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Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
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had a dream that he woke up. that he was here and things were fine. i miss how he just seemed to get it.
woke up, cried. cried a lot. thought about it throughout the day. almost cried. lametastic.
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Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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sooooo sorority is somewhat taking over my life right now. which is strange to me because i was never a go-getter-adpi girl before and now i feel like that's all i do! i know it's busy in the fall to get the younger girls involved, but it's still weird.
kris is ignoring me. i dont blame him after the way i turned him down. its going to b awkward if i ever go to his bar while he is working tho. whoops. kt likes a bartender there hmmmmmm hopefully she wont make me go w her and she finds a new crush soon. boooo
jason has a gf. weird!
other jason keeps texting me at strange times saying "what r u doing?". what a kid. he always tries....it's interesting and entertaining at least.
school. i am such a slacker. im doing what i need to do for the most part but it still seems inadequate. i wish i were more on the ball but i have been a procrastinator since elem school and dont know quite how to change things now.
cody has called me every weekend for the past month. i havent answered or responded. i dont want to tell him to fuck off because i have done that before. he is persistent. i figure the only way to win this one is to beat him at his own game. he may be stubborn, but i can be more stubborn.
my shoes r breaking! either i am too hard on my shoes or they just suck. steve madden's r supposed to be good right? EH! not working out too well for me. bitchy shoes. maybe it's because i am not a size 6 so the physics of the shoes dont work for larger proportions. hmmmm lametastic.
im sick of the superficial world. i wish i didnt care and could just roll out of bed for class again or at least not do my hair. whatever class time. here i go! wish me luck!
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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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i fucking am fucking tired. i cant go to fucking sleep though un til i do my homework. i cant figure out how to do my fucking hw tho because it is so goddamn restricitng. u can say this but u cant do anything on that. well i dont know what u rtalking about w this though?!?!?!? bitches. fuckingfuckignkdjfnjazgfvsjz shit/
im so fucking tired and sick of always being tired. i need to time manage better
that or quit life
time managing thing sounds more likely.
ok. so since i hav so much to do. no going outo out for the weekend. new decree. yay antisocial! woo
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Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
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i dont know what i should be doing. my body has that constant feeling like i should be doing something when i am sitting around. which makes me feel bad for not being productive. becoming involved with some sort of medical job or volunteer program would be a really good step for me. i'm scared, though. which makes me hesitate. i don't know what i will have time for this semester. i don't want to overload myself. i don't want to commit to something i don't like. boo
i dont want to like _. stupid crush. i just want his stupid attention. i get annoyed when i know he is hanging out with other people. that's not healthy. lol oh wow. i need to just step back. get a new crush.
.
thinking too much about the past suppresses the future. get out of your hole of wonderment and go live! stop thinking about everything. you can't just sit and ask what it would be like. go be it! do it!
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i hate this. i hate that this happened and i want to tell u. u don't exist anymore. u shouldnt be in my life anymore. u are not who i thought u were.
i told INmike the situation. and dani sends her condolences. which means cody will know. i hate this.
my stomach is churning. it just aches.
they moved the autopsy.
my body is overwhelmed right now. so many things are going on and i dont get to control any of it. i want friends at the service saturday who will be able to support me even if they didnt know dad. dad wouldnt have wanted a service. he would want to be remembered but he wouldnt care what was done. dont tell me this is what he wanted. he didnt specify and u r just doing what u want to do. i absolutely hate this. stop saying everything is happening because dad would have wanted it that way!!!!!!!!!! stop telling me stories about who he was and what he said. u can listen to someone and not really know him. i knew a diff side of him. i knew the dad side. i dont want to know that he was a bad husband to mom. i dont want to know the inside jokes between him and donna. thats not my business. i just want him back. i knew he loved us. i knew that. but u r making it sound like he cared about all of these other ppl and i really dont think he gave a flying fuck about them. he had his ppl that he loved, the ppl he liked, the ppl he was indifferent towards, and the ppl he tolerated. u keep confusing the boundaries and its pissing me off. stop telling me who my dad was. that wasnt who he was to me or anyone elese. thats just who he was to you. im so frustrated with all of this. and even through all of this i still feel like i cant open my damn mouth because you will keep playing the dad car. 'your dad would want this or your dad would want that'. u said urself u and him never arranged that he would go first. u 2 said u would go first because it would be easier FOR YOU. stop fucking lying to me. stop saying he wanted this. he didnt. u r driving me crazy. stop verbalizing this shit. i swear i f i wasnt related to u ppl, i wouldnt spend any time with some of u cuz u drive me crazy. i miss dad. i miss how he would make everything normal right now. he was the glue and he could make it better. im sorry this happened. i really am. u have no idea. i feel almost responsible because i had a feeling last sunday. i thought to myself "oh my god he doesnt look good, what if this is the last time i see him?". somehow i knew. that's fucking eerie and i feel bad. i know he wouldnt laughed at me saying something like 'hey dad im worried about you and i really want you to go to the doctor." i told him i wanted him to go to the doc and he said maybe in a few days. i miss you. i love you. im sry . i hope ur somewhere. nice. im sick of crying. why arent u here when i need a hug! butthead.
i wish they would stop all of this. it wont bring dad back, so theres no point to getting an autopsy. yes it would be good to know but if its going to make everyone angry then its not worth it.
i dont want to miss class. i want to feel normal again. i know i cant for a while but i want to try. stop interrupting my day. stop it u. yes he's important. yes i know. what would he really want tho? he knows we will miss him and he knows he took care of us. but what would he want after that? would he want us to be angry and avenge his death? what if it was unavoidable? stop being all angry ppl. this is so aggravating.
sick of crying
sick of stressing
sick of this confliction
sick of everyone getting upset and blaming innocent bystanders
u ppl somewhat suck.
we are all sad.
stop thinking u r the only one affected. stop thinking that other ppl r being selfish and u r not. u know u r being the most selfish with this. understanadable to a point but then not. he was our dad. your dad is still here. im not done growing up yet. stop saying u dont want to be a grown up. u were supposed to start being a grown up a long time ago! ur behind! i cant be the grown up for u. im 29 years younger than u. im allowed to not b the grown up yet. but then i am the one trying to make sure u r ok. not the other way around. this is aggravating. im being selfish now and trying to take care of myself. i cant b ur fucking lifesaver anymore. im just aggravated and venting. which is good but bad.
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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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you are making me nuts.
that or i am really irritable.
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Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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why cant i just let this lie. ur not calling. duh. or pursuing anymore. u were probably just hanging around because u thought i'd sleep w u. wrong-o buddy. dont kno u well enough for that. dont trust u enough for that. fuck u for leading me to think u likeliked me. u should have just said that u wanted to fuck me. id respect u a hellofalot more if u just did that. dont play games, i hate that.
dear boy,
why did u do that!?
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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new beginnings make me think of old beginnings. it's not as bad as it was. still weird to think about where i was last year. or even the year before that. the deceit tainted it. the innocent/naiveity of it all seems so strange now. trusting without reason. trusting with reasonable doubt is the part that gets me. i must have known it would turn out somewhat like this. how could i have wanted to go thru that tho...was it just a need for change? an experiment to see if i could hack it? dorms make me think of you and the good times that were lies. why do i even care what was "really" going on anyway...i was planning on dumping u when summer came around. would have been easier. wouldnt have experienced so much tho. wouldnt have learned what ive learned. im not going to put up with that shit again. not right to. i need to treat myself well even if he didnt and others cant. i need to. maybe it's normal to rethink the past when it's really over. maybe i just listen to too many songs. i honestly don't know why you keep popping up. i wish it would stop. i don't know how to make it stop. time will help.
and now for something that makes me HAPPY!
i asked a boy to dateparty!
he said YES!
i don't know a lot about this guy. still excited about him.
hoping he's not a fucktard.
excited
don't want to make it into something its not.
didnt clarify whether it was a date or 2 ppl hanging out....hmmmmm
whatever. he's a nice guy either way.
hopefully he knows how to dance :)
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Monday, February 12th, 2007
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Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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i'm studying for an anatomy test. guess who popped into my head. yep, you guessed it. c. i remembered how last year he had "joked" online about how he had a gf in indiana. i got mad at him and cried, but i didn't punish him at all or break up with him. i know now that that is totlly inexcusable. u don't fucking do that to a long dist gf. ever. i know i put up w a lot. i know it. i didn't think it was abnormal tho. i was completely naive to the whole relationship thing. that's why he goes after girls who are "innocent". they don't know any better. they don't know how horrible he really is and just put up w all of his shit. i'm so glad he is out of my life. i was so unhappy. i couldnt see what he was doing to me. i couldnt figure out how in the wrong he was because i waas too close to the situation.
there are guys im crushing on now which is good. moving on is healthy. he stil pops into my head but it is really just a reminder of what i don't have to put up with. i held onto who i thought he was for too long. i didnt want to see the real him. the fake him was so much better. im not clouded anymore. yay for clarity and speaking to people who will actually tell you the truth. fuck keeping ppl around who are negative-nellys and poisonous to the soul. my friends are better than his. thank goodness i'm out of that whole ordeal. goodluck on becoming a decent human being. you'll need it boy.
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Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
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besides this feeling.
excited yet nervous to drop the house.
why am i so impassionate towards everything. is that a word?
...off to the store...
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Friday, February 2nd, 2007
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i don't want to like this guy. i do but i don't. i don't want to get hurt like anything close to the last one. i don;t want to care about someone unless he cares about me just as much. i don't want to play the fool. i don't want to play these games. if you want this, you hsve to work for it. im not pursuing something not worthy or realistic thx.
although, you are fun to be around. but how often are you sober when im around you? lame. you responded to texts today. goodjob for not being a yucker. thanks for caring enough to ask about my car. well that could just be curiosity...
i know i need to work on my confidence. that's a work in progress tho. i'm trying to find the happy medium and it's difficult whicch im sure you know.
why did i say id volunteer today from 730am till 530pm?! this is not to be looked forward to.
i want to drop sorority. too much moola. not enough events i want to partake in. maybe if my parents were paying id stay, but they are not. id rather save some more than be in this right? still selling the idea to myself. i dont want o fuck up.
icky keeps poisoning my head. sent me a letter saying he's coming out here and we should meet. no thank you. double nono thanks. don't want to ever see you again, let alone meet up with you and give YOU any f-in closure when you didnt have the decency to show me the respect I deserved when it mattered. i hope kharma kicks u in the ass. other than tht i guess is just a rude thing to wish upon someone.
why do ppl keep saying k and i would have fun babies?! or that we r going to end up together?! it's cute but not. he's my friend and i dont want to make it out to be anything but that right now. i dont want to fuck him over or play w his head. or the other way around. i dont know what i want exactly. kind of untrue. i want a guy who is different; who wants to actually make sure that i will be alright because that's what i would do; who can make me laugh; who i'm attracted to; who doesn't want to let me out of his life; who won't just settle for easy; who knows a good thing haas to be worked for; who would never put me in the stereotypically "feminine" role; who can spell the word "definitely"; who likes disney; who is taller than me or at least similar in sizing; who will go dancing with me; who would never cheat on me; who can say he cares and mean it; who doesnt make me feel bad for being who i am; who realizes that things hange because ppl change; who likes me for more than my body (boo on boys in bars who are superficial and horny ew); who doesn't live with his parents still; who doesn't think he's the shit; ... run-on sentence much...
oooook sleep
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Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
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better off now
totally
love it
yay for watching sex and the city all day!! i want the new version of Aden. or my own version of him. either/or
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Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
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dear m, STOP flirting with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont want you to sleep in my bed. i dont want to sleep in your bed. frickin just stop. go away. i dont care if its your birfday.
dear j, why the f do i crush you?! i dont even want u! i just want u to want me! ew am i really that retarded?
dear c, go fuck yourself. same story. whatev.
dear d, don't be a dumbass. dump the bastard and f-ing move on with your life.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrness
i hate philosophy hw.
aw i love o'mally.
serious show. code black...
dear j, get better now.
dear l, muah! bar?
dear a, zoo lights?
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Monday, November 13th, 2006
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i want love. i want happiness. i'm working for the latter. i stopped caring about school, that's not good. i do care still. i just lack the motivation i once had. i still wonder if i could be an actor. i still kind of want to try.
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Sunday, November 5th, 2006
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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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never again will i talk to you.
never again will i let you know that i care.
never again will i put you ahead of me, or anyone for that matter till they prove they are worthy.
never again will we pretend you really cared.
never again will i let you get to me.
never again.
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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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made food. feel nauseous. should b asleep. not. boooooo
thinking too much about stuff i shouldn't think about anymore. realizing how much better the situation is now. hopeful for the future or at least for less stress. still pops into my head tho. will for a while i am sure.
sidenote: ppl with shitty spelling are really urking me lately. what is so hard about figuring out the diff betw "your" and "you're"?
how does everyong seem to do so well with so much on their plates? i'm coping with what i have going on but it seems to be nothing compared to so many around me. i know i shouldnt compare blahblah they r diff situations blahblah but i still feel like i should be more.
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